As men it is our duty to carry out tasks around the house that women are unable to do themselves. Change a flat, take out the trash, pick up dog shit and perhaps the most important, kill bugs dead. Protecting our homes from invasion of miniature six or eight legged predators is a duty passed down through generations of dads, rolled up newspaper in hand. But some bugs are too big to be killed with just a Sunday section of the Times, some bugs get boiled and eaten.
While walking past my local fish market the other day I noticed a sign reading “Today Only Live Lobsters $4.99/lb.” “Holy shit,” exclaimed and detoured inside inquiring the small man behind the counter about the origin of such a steal on the water bugs. He told me that he simply had a surplus of local lobster and lowered prices to sell more. I took two and put them in the fridge until my girlfriend came home and almost passed out when she opened the door to get some lemonade.
Some people (pussies) might be squeamish about killing live lobsters to eat them but they are just bugs. Like stomping out a cockroach or burning ants with a magnifying glass, boiling or steaming live lobsters is just the same. Here’s all you’ll need for a fancy lobster dinner.
.5 lb butter
2 live lobsters ranging in size from 1-1.5 lbs
.5 cup white wine
In a medium sized pot, melt the butter slowly and skim off all the white foam at the top. Now you have clarified butter. In a large pot (big enough to fit your two bugs), bring your white wine to a boil, insert the lobsters and lid it up for six minutes. The wine will impart a subtle flavor onto the lobsters that will really go well with the butter. Open the lid and check the color of your lobsters. Once the shells have turned bright red they’re ready. Be careful not to overcook your lobsters because the meat can get very dry and rubbery very quickly and the only thing worse than over cooked lobster is undercooked chicken and that shit is just gross.
Cut the rubber bands off the claws and detach the head from the tail and the claws from the body. To break the claws open, hit it gently with a rolling pin or a wine bottle until they are slightly cracked all the way around and just peel the shell away and shimmy the meat out careful not to tear it. To retrieve the tail meat press the tail in on both sides until you hear a snap. Then push the shell out on both sides until you hear another snap and pull out the whole tail. If you’re a real culinary whiz you could save the shells to make stock. Or you could just throw them away. Dip the lobster meat in the clarified butter and enjoy.
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