Raising the Steaks

The manliest of man food, there is no dish that makes me celebrate my masculinity more than a good steak. I just want meat on a plate. Don’t give me any sauce, sides, or utensils cause I’m just gonna go at this baby with my bare hands and teeth. Just the thought of eating steak rustles up animalistic tendencies. A T-bone makes me want to play football, a ribeye makes me want to slug whiskey from the bottle and tenderloin makes me want to wear a suit and get it dirty. I have seen a few mis-steaks when it comes to applying heat to meat and I intend to correct them here. The most important thing in cooking steak as in the life of a man is to have confidence. So gnash your teeth, bare your chest and scratch your ass, men. Let’s cook a steak!

The biggest mistake you can make with steak (as with most any food) is to over-cook it. I’m going to teach you two words that will forever gain you the respect of your peers when out at restaurants, “Medium-rare.” No ifs, ands, buts, and definitely no well-dones. That shit’s weak. If you want to eat a piece of leather go to Applebee’s. I’m a man and I like my meat bloody. Here’s a technique for cooking steak at home so that you will never over cook your steak. Poke your cheek with your finger: rare. Poke your chin: medium-rare (that’s the sweet spot). Poke the tip of your nose: medium. Poke your forehead: medium-well. Lick the bottom of your shoe: well done.

You will need:

1 teaspoon canola oil

1 6-8oz filet of beef tenderloin (filet mignon)

1 tablespoon of kosher salt

1 tablespoon coarse fresh cracked black pepper

1 tablespoon cold butter

Begin by patting the steak dry with paper towels. Rub the steak with canola oil and make sure it’s glistening all the way around. Combine the salt and pepper on a small plate and mix together. Crust the steak in the salt and pepper on both sides.

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. Put a small oven-proof pan over medium-high heat. Let it get hot for five minutes. Put the steak in the middle of the pan and don’t touch it. It’s gonna hiss and smoke but in order to make a delicious crust, you cannot touch the steak. Cook the steak in the pan for two to three minutes depending on the thickness. Cook a thicker steak a little longer. Once a nice crust has formed on the under side of the steak. Flip it over carefully, place a pad of butter on top and put the entire pan in the oven for no more than five minutes. Check the steak after four minutes and poke it with your finger to determine doneness. DO NOT jab it with a thermometer. When you think you are still a little under-done on your steak, pull it out and let it rest on a cutting board. There is still heat trapped inside the steak and it will continue to cook slightly after you take it out of the oven. After the steak has rested for three to five minutes, eat that shit.